|17th Oct 2014✧12:53|
|17th Oct 2014✧12:52|
I really really hope and pray to God that I don’t wake up tomorrow. Please
I finally have time to take a breather and put some words into this space before either a.) sleep or b.) work takes me again. Knowing how insane work has been lately I’m going to go with the latter.
So I’ve literally just spasmed out of fear while trying to recollect everything that happened within the last 11 hours.
While driving to work today, (puffy eyes, throbbing headache, bad hair, dirty specs, crazy amounts of yawns.. the works basically) I realised how, for the longest time, I couldn’t get my mind off the idea of just swerving the car over onto the road divider.
Overwhelming amounts of frustration, fatigue, negative thoughts just kept piling and for once in a long time I thought I might actually get an asthma attack.
Since Thursday’s puke fest after going into shock my body’s been feeling all out of sorts and I haven’t been able to shake off the anxiety thing.
So it’s been building up again and I fear/feel another break.
Sometimes I feel like the luckiest person in the world - for everything that I have or am a part of. Other times this joy is replaced by panic and regret. Mostly regret that I can’t shake off because it’s not like I can take everything back and change things. Regret and fear in every sense of the word because good things don’t happen to bad people and I’m just anticipating the day where everything gets taken away from me.
|7th Sep 2014✧23:42|
|7th Sep 2014✧23:40|
|7th Sep 2014✧23:37|
|7th Sep 2014✧23:22|
|2nd Sep 2014✧01:22|
I’ve been so consumed by work that every bit of spare time is as precious as a plump grain of Uruchimai is to a starving Ojiisan. Every bit of wasted free time translates to me gnawing at my knuckles in anxiety as I countdown the hours to Monday.
So having had nothing planned for today: too much spare time and an overactive brain, I allowed my mind to wander. Illogical thoughts fuelled by boredom and probably PMS, a touch of paranoia and a sprinkle of low self-esteem. Voilà, the perfect vat of cranial poison: serves 1.
I’ve locked/unlocked my phone + opened/closed Instagram/Twitter/FB/Whatsapp about a zillion times I think the button’s about to fall off. Opened/closed the Titolo.ch tab on Chrome, adding the new Nike AF1 Iridescent Pack (in size 6.5, of course).. (in all its metallic-y glory) into my cart, then refreshing the page and closing the tab then opening it again and repeating the entire psychotic process over and over.
Unnecessary frustration starts to bubble under threatening to spill - I hate having no money, I hate having nothing to do, I hate being terrible at what I thought I’d like to do, I hate thinking of stupid things, I hate myself, I hate everyone. Mostly I hate myself and I really hate Mondays. More restlessness is kicking in I need to find something else to do besides shaking my legs + typing on this space.
For this year’s Christmas I hope I get the whole ‘zest for life’ thing.
My mind is my greatest enemy.